So I’m stuck between being monumentally unsettled and yet still not settling. Sounds like fun, right? Yeah. Basically I’ve only barely started this new job, thinking that I can freelance and work at this retail store, but honestly, it’s a lot. I’m on my feet all day at the store, and then to come home and do other work BEFORE going to work on my own stuff? It feels like working these piecemeal jobs that I can’t have the time to write.
I also feel like I can’t just do freelance or just do retail; neither pays enough. Not making enough money is obviously a stress all it’s own, but the real threat I care about is the threat to my writing. Which is why, barely into a new job, I think I may be looking for another one already.
I just feel like for this whole year, nothing has been enough. Yes, I know it’s a recession and crazy overpaid jobs are hard to come by, and yes, this sounds ridiculously egotistical, but I am a smart, well educated woman, why the hell can’t I figure this out, or find a job that can do everything I need it to??
In so many ways, 2009 is closing out the same as it started: staring after that far off spire of success and financial comfort, and feeling like I’m not making any progress reaching for it.
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You know, it’s like Pretty Woman says: “The bad stuff is easier to believe”. But here’s what I want to know: who EVER told you life was going to be easy? And if there’s one thing that’s worth fighting for, it’s your divine right to see the world as happier, shinier, and generally more positive than it really is. It’s why we smile at strangers and why we sometimes just have to laugh (even if it is to keep from crying). Yeah, a recession isn’t the easiest time to be positive, but it’s also the most necessary time to be positive.
So, tomorrow I have an interview. If you don’t know me, I do lots of interviews (well, not lots, but I apply for an obscene amount of jobs/positions), I like to throw lots of pasta against the wall to see what sticks. I’m pretty excited about this one tomorrow; it’s a direction I could definitely go in (going back into full time retail) and it’s right by my house. I realize that retail probably isn’t what everyone reading this blog thinks that I want to be doing with my time (heyyy…isn’t this blog about writing…) but actually, I’m fed up with freelance writing to the point that I don’t want to do it full time. I want a regular job! I want to see people everyday! I want PAID VACATION! And I can’t say how long I’ll want that for, but right now, this is what I want. And that’s ok!
But of course, absolutely none of that means that I’ll get it! That’s the part that comes down to luck. So here I go, ready to be positive, and crossing my fingers. Wish me luck!
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