Creativity is a Capricious Monkey

By AC

Sep

I’m having a rare day of clarity. First of all, it hasn’t been fully resolved, but my health insurance dilemma might be resolved in a way that can only be described as somewhat magical. Basically, it comes down to the fact that two years ago I made a choice to stay a tax dependent because, despite the fact that it would cost me more money, it would save my parent money, to the tune of saving me about $20 and saving my parent like $2000. I said, “Please file me as a dependent.”

And now, because the year before last I was a dependent, it’s more than likely that I can have health insurance for another year on my family plan rather than paying for it myself. Which honestly feels like a miracle right now–a small one, an every day one, but a miracle none the less. Lets just that all checks out!

Anyway, I had this post to write last night that I hesitated on because the idea wasn’t fully realized in my head yet. I was coming off of this post on Editorial Ass about the fear of failure. It’s been rolling around in my head, often because one of my best friends is a veritable guru of the power of positive thought, that lately I’ve been very negative. And not just in a Debbie Downer kind of way, but in the way I think about the world; somewhere along the line I got so caught up with the horrible ways I’ve been disappointed that I’ve started to think that I shouldn’t be excited about something until it’s very real, very solid, signed, sealed, and materialized. In fact, I should believe it won’t happen and then be, hopefully, pleasantly surprised.

And I think it finally ran amok in my writing. Arianna had a crisis of faith that I could pull out the ending, and Loose doesn’t have the heart in it yet, Tarian’s floating out there in the agentosphere and my Robin Hood story hasn’t even been started.

My friend sent this to me this morning: Elizabeth Gilbert on Creativity. The author of Eat Pray Love gives a really inspirational talk about creativity (and does she have the most calming voice ever?) and listening to it made me realize a few things:

1. The style I’m writing Loose in is totally cribbed from the back-burnered Robin Hood story, which does, very much, make my heart pound, but I thought I didn’t have enough research for it. Should I do it anyway? Should I just launch into it?

2. I love the idea of your daemon genius. Mostly because I can totally visualize a Family-Guy-esque monkey on my shoulder, flicking his tail and occasionally letting it curl around my throat and squeeze. Only to release, pat me on the back, and point at something accusingly in the distance.

3. Some where along the line, I lost some of my faith, in the form of my rock solid belief. I believe that every tragedy and hurt leads to a greater gain and triumph, and somehow I forgot that. Today is perfect evidence. Taking a tiny little hit a year and a half ago might mean I don’t have to pay for health insurance for the next year; every action you take makes a ripple in the pond, it magnifies and comes back. Everything has a purpose, a reason, and the most divine experience in life is making those connections when you get a glimpse of the grandeur of the universe’s plan.

Needless to say, I’m in a pretty good mood today.

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Word of the Day: Streessss

By AC

Sep

I’m feeling super stressed today. I’m stressed by what I’m not eating, I’m stressed by jobs, money, and travel. I need a job that pays more money than the one I’m working on now, but whether that’s to work in conjunction with or in place of the current job I’m not sure yet. I’m just itching for a change.

Obviously, I’m going to get one–a BIG one–soon. With the surgery. But I still have this unshakable desire to grab my life by the lapels and shake it til it turns blue or til I’m satisfied.

And Loose, which I wrote the first several pages of, is already lacking that can’t-help-but-keep-writing feeling that I’m kind of addicted to. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know if the really intimate first person/borderline stream of consciousness narrative is proving hard to direct, or if its the fact that I’m writing about places that really exist but that I haven’t been too that’s the issue. Something’s just not fun about it. Of course, it could be all the other STRESSORS!! that are sucking the fun out of writing suddenly.

One things for sure: no matter how much it will end up costing, Chicago is going to be the best thing ever. I desperately need a change of pace and place, rhythm and routine. Even if I am exhausted for most of it.

I also have one appointment set up with a temping agency this week, and possibly another one TBA. I like the idea of temping, because, lets face it, when its not writing, I don’t have a very long attention span for any kind of work. I like to switch it up and play around, and temping might be just the ticket.

::Sigh:: What’s new with you?

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First page of Loose! (loosely)

By AC

Sep

So it’s 1am, and instead of having a burst of inspiration for Arianna (may she chill in peace), I wrote the first pages of LOOSE. Check it out, see if you’re interested, because, well, I am!

(obviously this is an uber rough draft, but I like the voice so far). Maggie is the protagonist, a 17 year old that just finished her senior year in high school. It’s all about first person for this one!

Continued…

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Link Love

By AC

Sep

I’m grumpy today, so instead of using my blog as a bitchfest platform (as per usual), I’m going to post some links to stuff I’ve read around the web recently that I really liked.

Commit to Being a Success: Aside from being written by one of my fave bloggers, Nacie Carson, it’s url also reads http://www.thelifeuncommon.net….commit-success/, which when I went to copy paste made me giggle, because it’s like committing murder, except you’re committing success. Which I kind of love, actually.

PubRants also had two really good posts this week for newbie/aspiring writers about advances and earning out that advance. It’s always helpful when agents talk about this, for which she gets link love.

I thought EdAss’ bestseller poll was interesting, and even more interesting to me because of them, I’ve only bought and read (and also bought OR read) Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Code.

I liked this article about Writing Choruses for my on-going songwriter research (believe it or not I have six songs that are at least on paper; I can’t really speak to their quality).

On a grumpy tangent, I think I’m putting down Arianna again. Now, every time I threaten this, I whip out like 3500 words that night, so maybe I’ll be eating my words come morning, but something isn’t working with this girl and I think it’s limping along a bit. I just want to see other novels, Arianna. Like possibly starting a first draft of Loose.

Oh, I also liked this suitably snarky post from Editorial Anonymous (which really appealed to me in my grumpiness).

And don’t forget the whole reason I’m grumpy, which is over here.

And on a note that is unrelated to anything I should be blogging about, like books and writing, why the hell is Khloe Kardashian marrying this dude? Did she not just say on the last episode of Kourt and Khloe Take Miami that she didn’t trust guys, especially basketballers, and had a really tough time trusting the really sweet overtures of bestie Omarion? What the hell, Khloe? You may be having a crisis because big sis is having a baby, but wedding bells won’t solve anything. You’ve known him LESS THAN A MONTH!!!

Sheesh. And I previously thought Khloe was the only normal Kardashian.

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myBIGlife.com is live!

By AC

Sep

The new site I’m writing for is finally live, so check out some of the links to my stuff:

Becoming a Dream Girl (my first post for them)

Vlog for 9/14/09–Seeing someone else go through laproscopic surgery, the reality of mine starts to hit home.

Vlog for 9/16/09–The day after pre-operative testing, I feel less overwhelmed and kind of excited!

The video blogging is totally new for me, and it’s really weird seeing myself on YouTube (especially since I’m usually very happy to hide behind my computer screen), but I’m dealing with it!

So check it out, bookmark at will, and let me know what you think!

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I Used to Be JobDrunk

By AC

Sep

Okay, that title doesn’t make much sense, but I have that “I used to be love drunk” song stuck in my head and the feeling pretty much describes how I’m feeling now.

I’m sick of freelancing because of its lack of any kind of security, terrible pay, and for some things, I write crap. I really do. I mean, Demand Studios? How crappy can you get? Granted, I hardly ever write for them any more and when I do I feel cheap.

That’s the thing–freelancing makes me think my gifts are worth very little money. Not to be obnoxious, but I think I’m a good writer. I’ve worked very hard at it and if I wasn’t halfway decent by now, I’d have a problem. But I think it’s very tough to get paid what you’re worth in this business.

However, I’m also going through major life changes coming up, and I want that flexibility that freelancing lets me have. I can write whenever, shift things around for doctor’s appointments, and go to the gym at any time of the day.

But because of that, I’m trading in benefits like health insurance and paid sick time and vacation. I mean, for the two weeks that I won’t be working post-surgery, I’ll be making nothing. Not a dime.

All this has made me sit down and think. I’ve been perusing and occasionally applying for retail positions, with the thought that it will just be something to do. Something that gives me cash, benefits, and I can keep my writing on my dedicated time and that’s good enough.

But then I started thinking; it’s not like I’m a woman of a single passion. There are lots of things I’m passionate about. What have I wanted to do other than writing novels? Isn’t there anything I’m interested in learning about?

Of course there is! I’m interested in Public Relations jobs. I like the idea of not quite salesy marketing, but connecting people with interested parties. It feels like a good-karma kind of job. I also have wanted to write for magazines for a while now, but it keeps getting over thrown for other, more present work. So maybe I should be making more of a push to try and go for the things I like.

Or maybe I’ll just slug along, because I used to be job drunk, but now I’m hungover…

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This is the Fear

By AC

Sep

I’ve mentioned lately how much it’s wearing on me that I can’t just write full time. That I haven’t after all this time, managed to secure any kind of permanent interest or contract. And since I’ve been facing up to my fears and shortcomings lately, I’ll cop to this one.

Tonight I’ve been reading what I call my ramblings. They are a folder of rants, pretty much the things that are too self pitying to go into blogs, or rants pre-blogging, things I couldn’t say aloud because they’re melodramatic and self-indulgent. And many of them, horrifically, were about writing, and the dream job, and applying, and waiting to hear.

On the one hand, I realize that it’s been a few years filled with more than my fair share of applications, for grants, positions, fundings, and of course, publication. Like a skewed statistic, I put my self up for consideration on a daily basis, which kind of raises the tally a bit. But I get rejected all the time. Constantly. It’s almost a joke–you know, almost.

So I realize I’m kind of asking for it. But dear God, I wrote that rant 2 years ago and it sounded like I could have written it today. I’m still in the same position. I’m not succeeding at what I want to succeed at (like even a little! I’m considering a retail job, for the love of God! How does that help me be a fiction writer?), and the gut wrenching fear that I’ve never wanted to admit is that maybe I won’t ever succeed.

Maybe I’m not as talented as I think.

And what the hell do I do if that’s true?

In self pitying moments I imagine publishing to be this hot guy, and my writing is all like “Omg, we’re so going to date! It’s meant to be!”

And publishing hears this from his friends (or Twitter) and is like, “Um, psycho much?”

And my writing’s all, “No, seriously. You just don’t know it yet. We’re going to be so MAJOR!”

But from Publishing’s perspective, my writing is just a creepy stalker. Publishing keeps rolling it’s eyes and is like, seriously, will you just give up already?

And my writing’s like, “Look, I’ll add some commercial plot twists. And some new characters that are “witty”. I’ll lose, like, 10,000 words. Will that make you love me?!”

And Publishing nudges over a restraining order.

Is this a business where you just keep on trucking, or at some point (around handcuffs time) do I have to acknowledge the figurative restraining order/lack of interest from the publishing world?

Part of me still believes you can get what you want by working at it hard enough.

But part of me thinks there’s no where left to go.

So that’s the fear.

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Rest and Reflection

By AC

Sep

So, I took the day off completely, after about a week or more of insanity, and I replaced all my sheets last night, fluffed my pillows, resettled my down comforter (which inevitably balls up in a corner of my bed) and settled down to rest. My dog hopped into bed with me (and back out again later), and I slept til six am, with her yipping at me because she thought it was time to play (my mom was playing with her before work and she decided I should get in on the fun). After that, I went back to bed, slept til nine thirty, and luxuriated in bed, catching up on some reading and not setting foot out of bed until 1145.

All I can say is aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

I’m just taking some time to decompress. Life has been really crazy lately, so I’m planning an actual, albeit ultra brief vacation that will coincide with my surgery recovery (if I have to sit around and do nothing I might as well do it with friends). I have lots of work to get back to tomorrow, and in the mean time I’ve been doing a lot of work for MyBigLife.com, which you will get to see once the site goes live (it includes video blogging, which I’m still getting the hang of, so be nice!).

I just get the sense that my life, after stagnating for so long, is moving again. It may be a fast ride, but at least it’s going somewhere. So hang on!

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What Makes You Feel Fabulous?

By AC

Sep

Over the past several weeks, two of my best friends and I, and one of them in particular, have been having this discussion that increasingly reveals more about ourselves than we ever thought. The original question posed was what makes you feel fabulous when you don’t feel fabulous?

It could be phrased in many different ways–what do you do when you face rejection? What do you do when you’re in a funk? What do you do when you’re having a bad day?

Basically, what do you do when life isn’t marching to your tune?

My response, which bothered my friend, was that I don’t do anything. If I’m feeling crappy, get hurt or rejected, I let myself feel it so I can process it and move on. I think wallowing in something is a sign you haven’t gotten to the bottom of it yet, and the only way you’ll get there is to just let go and just feel it. And yes, this means I probably spend a surprising amount of time in my sweatpants crying over Grey’s Anatomy reruns, but it also means I appreciate the good times with inordinate enthusiasm.

It never really occurred to me why I feel so strongly about this, but two things have since cropped up; the first yesterday while I was watching Jersey Boys (omg it was amaaazing), and the second today, while I’m writing this.

1. Jersey Boys Epiphany. There is an equal and opposite reaction to everything you feel, to everything that happens, a karmic balance. Any success I achieve, large or small, will be matched by disappointment and hurt. I know it’s going to happen, it’s okay that it will happen, so why should I fight it off so hard? Forcing yourself to feel happy in bad times is like adding insult to injury, or like another friend reminds me, using a second knife to dig out the first knife you got stabbed with.

2. Right Now Epiphany. You know why this is, really? All this stuff about feeling it in the moment? When my parents divorced it took me a very long time to actually deal with that. When I was diagnosed with diabetes it took me a very long time to deal with that. I have a long history of putting things off, putting on a happy face and being so convincing that I’m ok that I don’t even realize it’s a lie.

Forget that!

Here’s to not feeling fabulous. Here’s to wallowing, crying, acting pitiful and lame, and overall, not shoving your emotions aside because they’re inconvenient. It just doesn’t work for me, and more than that, it’s totally dangerous. So here’s to feeling it!

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Support and PSYCH MAJOR SYNDROME

By AC

Sep

Okay, hopefully this will be a really quick blog post because I am totally slammed for work today and this book has happily derailed enough of my life already.

First off, I want to thank everyone who was so supportive about my Really Big News. To those of you who read this on my blog (www.finalword.org) but especially to everyone who reads it on Facebook, thank you so, so much. It wasn’t an easy thing for me to talk about, I’ve been cagey and nervous about it forever, and you all reminded me what the power of the internet really is–the ability to connect people in ways that shock, surprise, and totally humble you. I feel so honored and privileged to have all of you in my life.

So, to get back to PSYCH MAJOR SYNDROME, this was a book that I have been uber desperate to read, but my new thing is eBooks and it wasn’t out as an eBook yet. So I kept putting it off, until, on the way to visit my dad in the hospital yesterday (he had surgery, he’s fine and home now), my brother suggests a very quick hop into Barnes and Nobles.

This warranted an instinctual grab. It was the only thing I could think of that I really wanted to read at that moment. So I grabbed. And I paid. And I read.

I only got about 20 pages in while at the hospital, and then once I got home I sat down to exhaustedly do some work before bed. At midnight I struggle upstairs to collapse in bed, and decide to read a few pages.

Oh, big, big mistake. Huge. At 130 I literally ejected the book from my bed–I threw it down, in fact, and I think I might have even grumbled, “NO MORE!”. Not because I didn’t like it, quite the opposite–the book is so damn engaging, so funny (and I NEVER think a book is funny, I was totally laughing out loud all night), that I wanted to read it all. I exercised a strong will, however, and put it down.

Bigger mistake. My heart was literally racing in bed, and my mind kept riveting back to the story as I blinked at the ceiling.

20 minutes later I caved. At 3am I finished, and I LOVED IT!!! (Dammit, I just looked up the author, Alicia Thompson, on her website and there was a trailer and now I want to read this book AGAIN.) She writes a dynamite romance story and Leigh (the protagonist) is quirky and neurotic and cries.

That’s right, she cries. It bugs me to no end when women don’t cry in books when they’re emotionally upset or being really harshly yelled at, because I’m always like, dude, whether its now or later, I would totally be bawling right there. So she cried, and it was good.

Scratch that, it rocked. Read immediately.

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Really Big News

By AC

Sep

Sadly, it’s not that I’m getting published. (OH I WISH!). In fact, it’s way more personal, it’s something that I’ve debated about putting out there on the blogosphere at all, it’s something that I’m really nervous about.

It’s also something that, after this post, I’m not going to be talking about on here again. Not because I’m embarrassed, but because I’ll be talking about it on another website. A lot!

I’m having Lap Band surgery.

Facts:

I’m significantly overweight. I have been for all of my adult years.
I’ve tried many different diet options over the years, most of which inevitably make me feel both more out of control and less proud of myself and my body, both of which are contributing factors to my weight increasing.
I’m 24, I’m a diabetic, and I’m so, so sick of being brutally unhealthy and increasingly afraid of my life because the longer I live the more likely I am to develop complications of both diabetes and obesity.
I hate the word obesity.
The Lap Band procedure is much, much safer than the gastric bypass, partially because it doesn’t cut your stomach anywhere (the organ, there are small incisions made in the abdomen) and the weight loss is slow and steady, roughly 2 pounds a week I’m told–which, if we’re in a comparative mood, is exactly the projected loss that Weight Watchers gives you.
This won’t be fun, or easy. That’s ok.
Statistically, you’re more like to lose the weight and keep it off than with gastric bypass or any other diet option.
I’ve been judged by other people for this decision, most notably a close friend that called it “convenient” and suggested it was waving a magic wand over my problem with weight. I think that opinion was very misinformed and I don’t agree with it; I know that by putting this all out there, some people will agree with that friend and some people won’t. What really matters is that it’s the right decision for me, and I’m sharing it now because I want to help other people in my same situation.
Final fact: I’ve been hired as a writer for MyBigLife.com, a site all about weight loss surgery. I’m going to be blogging about my experience (and even video blogging, a first for me!). So, really, I’ll be talking about this a LOT…and I’ll put up the links as soon as the site is live.

So I know that by posting this here (which gets cross posted on my blog, http://www.finalword.org and Facebook) I know that this is kind of a big step–it’s telling family, friends, and the anonymous crowd of non responsive web people (not to even mention logging it for posterity) but this is a decision that was a really, really long time in the making. I’m nervous, I’m excited, and I’m really hoping that people will be supportive–but if you’re not, that’s ok too.

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Creativity and Stress

By AC

Sep

What a day! So I’m going a little bananas because both of my major freelancing jobs have deadlines coming up and they need more time rather than less, which is good–right? Maybe! I’m still not resolved about my money and time issues, and I’m wondering if one of my freelancing jobs isn’t worth the time I spend on it, which is sad because I enjoy the work. I don’t know, it’s all up in the air.

And complicating the matter is the fact that I’ve never felt more inspired on my various projects. Seriously! I just had the best meeting talking about songwriting and inspiration is just like sparking through my head, and I literally just want to take a week and read some books to get in the groove, and then just get in the zone and write lyrics and novels.

It makes me think that this is why people quit–not because they give up on their dreams, but because it’s like spinning a toilet paper roll and then covering where the paper comes out so the whole thing balls up and tangles and twists. If you don’t let the inspiration out steadily, it seems like the whole system might just get jammed up and freeze.

Not loving it.

Especially since due to volume of work currently, my Saturday writing day is cancelled.

Really world? Come on.

Sigh.

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My Future as a Freelancer

By AC

Sep

Freelance writing is something I’ve struggled with for a while now. On the upside, the hours are unbeatable, and you can write when you feel like writing. On the downside, the pay is terrible. Abysmal. And it’s all before taxes, which is even worse. And there’s no such thing as a vacation. And there’s not enough money in it for a real vacation.

Coming up in November, I turn 25 and lose my health care that’s part of a family plan (because I needed another reason to celebrate the milestone). I need to start paying several hundred dollars a month for health insurance (at least two hundred, more depending on what I need once I look at everything with a diabetic’s concerns in mind), and as it stands, freelancing just won’t cover it. Not without living paycheck to crappy paycheck (while living AT HOME with virtually NO BILLS).

In short, I need to make more money. Which does kind of suck, because all in all, I like setting my own schedule, I like sleeping in when I feel like sleeping in, and working til midnight when I just couldn’t get it done during the day. But to be honest, I need a change. And I need healthcare.

So my life as a freelancer is seriously threatened; now, this doesn’t mean that I’ll drop the jobs I have, because I’m invested in them and I just don’t want to give up anything any time soon, but what it really means is that I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next few months, I’m a little scared, but I’m pretty resolved. My life and my finances need a big change.

So what will it be? Let’s consider:

Retail: I’ve had bad experiences, but I enjoy the “I pay you to be here, not to think” mentality. Plus it usually means my mind can be elsewhere. Which is good.

Admin: Despite working in a bank and in a law office, Administrative jobs seem to to think I’m not qualified to assist them. I’ve never had much luck in this field.

Food Service: I have no experience whatsoever. Is that a problem?

Data Entry: Kill me. Both my mind and time are occupied. Pass.

Per friend suggestion:

Smuggler: Would depend on what’s being smuggled, but I think I’d be very good at it. Hopefully it’s 1660 and we’re smuggling rum….or haunted rubies, I could do those too. Or Johnny Depp.

Any other suggestions?

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Fall TV Obsessions

By AC

Sep

So, Arianna’s stalling again–she’s a bit of a mercurial female, it seems. So, in the meantime, I’m obsessing over TV, because my brother has left the building (back to school) so I can actually watch the thing again.

Obsessions:

TrueBlood. Really, if you’ve been reading my tweets, that shouldn’t be much of a shock. I’m a little bit madly in love with Eric Northman, Alexander Skarsgard, for his gorgeousness and Swedishness and Zoolanderness (yes, he was Meekus in Zoolander!). The season finale, which I’m actually less than pumped for, is next week, and on a positive note that hopefully means no more Mary Ann, and on a sad note that means a fall and winter without Mr. Hot Stuff.

Glee! SUPER psyched for Glee. But isn’t everyone? And who doesn’t love musicals? Or Jane Lynch? Or slightly twisted high school pep? Love it. Watch it.

Gossip Girl. I’ve always loved this show, and while I’m more than a little nervous about the whole believability of it as it crosses into college (and the fact that I assume built-up baddie Michelle Trachtenberg’s role will be toned down this season now that she’s got a solid role on Mercy, which just looks like ER part 2). But I’m eager to take that journey together, GG! Don’t let me down.

Bones. Are they running with Booth’s amnesia bit? If so, snooze me. If not, I’m still in.

Lie to Me. This show rocked it last season (with the side effect of my father constantly saying how much he’d like to take a class in microexpressions). Rock it again, Lie to Me!

For the first time though, I’m not hanging on the edge of my seat for Grey’s Anatomy to start. If Izzy and George are both dead, I don’t really know what’s left to make the show interesting. Unless it turns into Karev’s Anatomy, and is moved to late night, at which point my attention will be fully recaptured. However, I will still watch every single episode without fail. I’m loyal like that.

Dollhouse. If for no other reason than that Tahmoh Penikett’s character Paul Ballard can and does (because Tahmoh can and does) a flying knee move in the first episode of the first season, I will always love this show.

That’s all. What are you looking forward to?

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Horrorscope

By AC

Sep

Does anyone else read their horoscope? I do. Not religiously, not obsessively, but every now and then I like to check in with it. That being said, it’s almost invariably incorrect.

However, I do think that most of the profiling stuff based on your sun sign (scorpio, thank you) is shockingly accurate. I just think it must take a very talented person to parlay that into an actual horoscope and there might not be as many talented people as one would hope in the field. Or something. In any event, I think it’s interesting information that can be used as part of a whole host of other things.

So with that in mind, I read my horoscope for 2010 last night in Barnes and Noble.

And I was put instantly in mind of Chris Rock: “Aquarius–you’re gonna die. Capricorn–you’re gonna die. Gemini–you’re gonna die TWICE.”

Because according to my horoscope, 2010 is going to suck. And I’ll tell you, not that I like to focus on stuff like this, but 2009 has kind of sucked as well. There were a few very good things, but on the whole it has been a year marked by disappointment, rejection, and horrifically low fundage.

The horoscope for 2010 read something like this:

Career: Ain’t going anywhere fast.

Money: You have none.

Relationships: What you have will crash and burn, if you don’t have one, don’t plan on one anytime soon.

And I was sort of like, WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY THIS?!

And then I pouted.

If I’m not getting published at least before the end of 2010, I need something more in my life. Maybe I needed something more anyway. I just feel like I have no money, no time, and nothing to look forward to. All I want to do is write, but I feel like it’s one of those things that I need to have a level of excitement in my everyday life that is becoming a struggle to keep alive.

I need a new adventure.

During which I will write.

….Now I just have to figure out what that is.

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Worry and Songs

By AC

Sep

Since I’ve been back from Philadelphia, it’s been a weird few days. There’s been a lot of personal drama going on, and more than distracting, it’s kind of exhausting. As there is a lot more personal drama coming up (starting with a family member’s surgery coming up, and followed by some very personal drama), this doesn’t bode well for the future.

Besides that, my brother is gone from the house and cooler weather has set in, which means my productivity (when I’m not distracted by other things) is through the roof. Sweetness.

I’m also uncharacteristically worried. The DIARY manuscript is with two, seemingly very interested agents at the moment; they’ve both been really positive so far, and they both had to wait a little bit for it and are still interested, which I’ll take as a good sign.

But I’ve also never felt so worried. I haven’t had the best string of luck lately, and I’m scared to death that this just won’t happen. The problem is that it takes so very long to build up, months to years, and then, in one swift email, it’s all over and I’m out of luck.

Could it happen again? Could both of these agents pass? Yes. Absolutely.

The real rub is that there aren’t many other agents on my list. And beyond that, one of the agents that has it is one that I REALLY want to represent it. One that I’ve been submitting to for a WHILE. I guess it’s just that with every rejection, the field of possibilities narrows a little, the stakes get a little higher, and it’s been a long time now.

We’ll just set that aside, though. When we were down in Philadelphia I wrote another song, and I think I really like this one; of course, the trouble with songwriting is that to get a decent emotion/imagery/theme down, I’m having a hard time faking it. The most personal thing in this novel might just been the song lyrics of the fake band.

But, that’s writing for you.

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New Beginnings

By AC

Sep

I had this whole big ranty blog post to write tonight, because there is someone in my life that is just driving me ba-nanas. And not in a frustration way, in one of those horrible “the fact that it’s like this without drama is depressing” ways.

Forget it. I’m not writing that. I’m not dwelling, I’m moving on. Besides, today it feels like fall (my FAVORITE EVER SEASON!) and it just gets me motivated and into what fall is really all about: newness!

Most people think spring is all about new ness, but Fall is literally the breath of fresh air after the interminable stifle of summer. There’s layers and rich colors and foliage and furry warm things (other than my pup). I LOVE fall. It’s when a new school year begins, and it always just seems to bring totally new things to my life.

Like last year, when I moved to Scotland. ::sigh:: If only that ended up better.

But this year, I just want to excise the bad from my life. I want to fix the situations that have grown intolerable, whether they are within myself (and how I look at myself) or in my relationships with other people.

Turning 25, frankly, I’m too old for this s***. So here’s to my new beginning, to the idea of looking for a fresh start. Bring on the fresh air!

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